raindrops on my rindshield

sadness comes my say

sinking sorrow friendship

Train whistle woes

why-ing whining drowning droning

sadness sorrow pining poeming...

raindrops flit patit darrip darrop

above my whisps flip flop plop

eyes gaze up

grey sky above

what to do

i think of you

rain rain rain

on my tinted sun roof

sinking sorrow friendship

sorrow comes my tay

teardrops in my heartshield

oh rainy day...  :(

---- What? ----

What's that you text?

Text me, my friend?

Tomorrow is best?

Oh happy heart

happy hearty

happy hearty rainy day!!

Tomorrow my friend and I shall play!

Rain, rain, go away!

No more rainy

rainy day!

Of course I understood, with dementia, there comes a time when more help is needed.  The part that took a hold of my heart and hasn't let go, however, is that the woman and her father only see mom once a week.  This is heartbreaking.  I heard about when the mom was first put in the home, and how when they visited and mom would become horribly upset at the end of the visit because she wanted to go home with them.  So the answer for them which was probably suggested by the caretakers was that they saw her less.  Utterly heart-breaking.   Now the daughter is feeling guilt for putting her mother in a home, yet this is all her family can do, short of stopping work and caring for her.  Sometimes dementia care requires a team of people.  Stopping work for someone could mean that they need to move, to spend less on housing and to make ends meet, sometimes that is the best option.  We can't judge eachother's situation; as we don't know the intracacies of such difficult choices and what goes into them.  However, it's important to make the most loving decisions and what works best for all involved.  One way to figure out the best decision is to consider ahead of time that after your loved one has passed behind the gates of death, how will you feel about the decisions you are making now?  Will you feel great regret?  If so, figure out where your greatest regrets would be and make changes in those areas now, trying to do what's best for everyone involved.  You don't know how long your loved one will suffer end-stage dementia, and sometimes it requires a team of help at this point.

Take your loved one outside to breathe the fresh air.  I asked if the mom was able to go outside.  Imagine all your life, living with your family and enjoying the sun on your skin and the flowers in the yard, now being couped up in a room, or a room and a living room with strangers.  This could be someone's worst fear.  How traumatic and utterly heart-breaking for the mom to suffer tragedy upon tragedy.

There can be other answers to help her with the change of lifestyle; it doesn't have to mean seeing her less, even if it's upsetting her.  You may be able to prearrange with staff that she is given a pill that helps her become sleepy after about half-way into your visit, so that when you leave she has already fallen asleep.  When you're there, you can help to listen, talk, read to her and share funny stories that help her laugh.  It doesn't have to hurt so much.

It's so important that your loved one with dementia gets to see you, hear your voice, hold your hand.  That you read to them, spend time with them.  The road to the least regret is the road that you are able to look back and smile upon; "I was there, I read to her, I did all I could, I held her hand, I brushed her hair, I made sure she was warm and changed, I brought her one of her favorite foods...  I showed her love, I spent time with her..."

People with dementia have feelings.  Help them feel loved.

The outlook

above the garage

When I was a teenager I loved photography and my photography class.  My mother bought me a really great camera, it was a manual film camera with a macro-zoom lens.  I loved going into Seattle to take photos of the sights; graffiti on brick at the Pike Place Market that said "Jesus Saves," and various buildings and sights in the city.  In class, we learned the process of developing film and we got to develop our film in the dark room; I loved black and white photography.  What a great experience for a high school student who hadn't fully realized their own interests and potential and self-construction; who was I and what did I love, what did I want to do, what were my strengths and weaknesses?

Eventually, the manual film cameras were replaced with digital cameras; the cute little drive-through film developing stores such as "Fotomat" disappeared, and my camera and zoom lens went into a box for years and years.  I wish I had held onto it, as I'd have been looking at it today to see what could be done with it; but the cost of film developing coupled with the quality of the images are no match against today's amazing technology when it comes to digital photography.  It's simply unparalleled.

My most recent adventure is digital photography; and my first class was "manual photography," that means that I want to get to know how to use my camera's manual settings, to understand how and why to use them.  That understanding goes back to manual cameras, but it's been so many years that I really didn't remember that information; perhaps I never really learned or understood it very well.  Now, I'm excited about learning about the details of photography.  I have an amazing camera which I am so thankful for, a very supportive husband, and am taking classes to learn how to do this modern photography thing.  I'm dipping my toes in this wonderful creative experience.  Where will I take this?  What is it all for?  This is what we shall find out as this experience unfolds.

For now, however, I'm really liking my photography classes!

I wonder what will happen...  I also wonder, why is this so hard?  Why am I procrastinating so heavily, so terribly; ranging in there with the most procrastinacious of all of my procrastinations...  Why?  Is an artist about to bloom?  Am I afraid?  Am I just lazy?  Is the left side of my brain trying to win-out over the right side of my brain?

For some reason, as much as I want to draw and as much as I have often thought about wanting to draw over the years; I find it so difficult to make myself put a pencil in my hand and a blank tablet of paper on my lap and then put the tip of the pencil on the paper and then look out and see something and force my pencil tip to leave etchings of grey-toned streaks that try to mimic some portion of what my eyes behold.  There's serious and definite strong-will wall set up against this great desire that I have; I can feel it in my arms, inside my being; serious stubbornness - or something.

Maybe it's because when I finally do sit down to draw; what comes out on the paper is not what I wanted; not what I envisioned...  I am faced again with the reality that when I went to sleep last night, I didn't take on sudden amazing drawing abilities and awaken with them in my fingertips.  Hmmmm.

What can help me draw?  I've treated myself to an amazing art class, "Drawing from the Right Side of the Brain" also called DRSB https://www.drawright.com  taught by Brian Bomeisler, the son of Professor Dr. Betty Edwards. Will the class work for me like it works for others?  I'm already a very creative-brained person...  I must be right-brained down to the core; but my left-brain is trying to stop my right-brain from having a party in this.  It's like I'm at the start of the race and in "ready-to-run" position...  My right brain is so delighted and happy that it will reap the coming rewards...  My left brain must be jealous; maybe even angry, "No, right brain...  Stay here and rest awhile, you don't really need to draw..."  My right brain has been tied down by my left brain.  My left brain sees what my right brain is about to accomplish and the left brain isn't having it.  "Oh no you won't, don't even try!!  I've got ductape so stay right there and don't make a move!"  But my right brain has an idea...  "I know just how to escape my left brain...  I'll go out to my favorite place in the yard and begin my assignment there.  No wall to affix a mirror to?  No worry, I'll tape the mirror to a fence post, I have ductape too."

You're wondering what happened, who won?  At the completion of this sentence, the right-brain carried herself and her left brain and all the needed art supplies and a cup of coffee...  Out to the garden...  Let the drawing begin.

On the other side of things, a list was made to help identify his needs.  It was exciting, a church could come together and show their love and give.  It was a time to act.  Sometimes humans have expectations on how things will appear; with eagerness and zest, with excitement and a flurry; we can't wait to see God's work occur through our fellow Christians.  Sometimes, it is quiet instead.  Someone will provide everything for the bathroom, 'thank You God..."  The clock ticks on...  Someone has many items for him to look through, 'thank you God..."  "Tick, tock, tick, tock..."  

"Lord, where are your servants, where is the church who is eager to serve?  Are they eager?  Lord, I want to see a people excited to serve you, excited to respond.  Did they not get the message?  What is happening Lord?  But I know that YOU will provide; but Lord, where is everyone?"

More offers to complete items on the list come in and some items come from unexpected places such as people who are connected with people on the list who aren't even part of our church, but they love God.  You see, God the PROVIDER knows how to provide, and He knows just who has the items that are needed.  God also knows exactly WHEN the gifts will come.  Our job as Christians is do to the work God sets out for us to do REGARDLESS of us not seeing things according to how we "expect" to see them.

Meanwhile, the man who had only one towel, who is rich in faith and rich in God and knowing how to trust the PROVIDER has been being showered with items in abundance beyond what is even on the list.  He sees it raining blessings from above.  He knows who it has all come from.

A lesson in patient expectation for the list-maker; who although she knew God would provide; she wanted to see it in the way she imagined; a church coming together in excitement and eagerness.  Think of it, isn't that what God longs to see in His children?  Doesn't He just long to see His children fervent, willing and excited to serve Him?  He provided in HIS own way and time.  He did not falter.  He provided through HIS church. g to take for the Lord's church to return to tho

The listmaker was looking for items to be provided through the church she was a part of...  It turns out that her perspective was waaaaaay smaller than God's perspective...  God was providing through various members of His Church which exceeded the borders the listmaker had in mind...  

Let's remember the early days of fervent excitement when He first revealed Himself to us, when He called our hearts, when we took hold and received His gift of salvation and He wiped away our past sins; they were all behind us, they were no more.  When He removed our sins so far away from us that it was as far as the east is from the west...

"For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

so great is His loving devotion for those who fear Him.

As far as the east is from the west,

so far has He removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.

For He knows our frame;

He is mindful that we are dust."      Psalm 103:11-14

------------

Do you remember the joy and the newness that you have felt at times along your Christian walk?  The zeal, the excitement, the gratefulness to God for a new life? I'm reminded of the "Letters to the Churches" in Revelation Chapters 1-3. I'm sharing this as an encouragement, Let's be a church who RETURNS to it's first love, who is no longer weary, who stands against false teaching and more...  We can read Revelation 1-3 and be reminded of where our hearts and minds and hands need to be and we can pray, pray, pray.  

During Covid times we have often been separated from people, church, Bible studies and all kinds of various fellowships we used to be part of at times; some of us have grown weary.  We may have become alone and focused on other things; we might not have seen very many ways to be out doing things for God since maybe many people were somewhere inside behind closed doors, and us too.

Are we expecting the church to look fervent when we ourselves are not feeling it?  We've grown weary and we're in the battle to simply read our Bible and get on our knees to pray?  We're longing for conversation over coffee with the Bible with a brother or sister in the Lord; and some are afraid to get too close to other people?  We're busy, we're tired and honestly staying home feels nice; don't have to face the world and we can stay in our sweats and slippers.  

It's time to get 'back in the game,' let's start now.  We have the opportunity as long as we have breath to ask the Lord to awaken us again; to renew our heart, to remind us of how to serve and to even ask the Lord to fill us with zeal to do His will and for Him to show us what He wants us to do...  Let us awaken and renew in the Lord Jesus.

--------------------

The man with one bath towel has more than one bath towel now; he has couches to welcomes guests to sit.  He has plates to serve food and mugs to serve hot beverages while they discuss the scriptures.  He's got lamps to light the pages they read and a bookshelf to place his many books and his free Bibles.

He loves God and trusts God for all that he needs and how the Lord lovingly provides it all, the Lord has provided for the sparrow.



If there is one place where it's safe to be me...

It's in the presence of my precious family.

They will hear of my worries and struggles in life

They will hear how I can be a better mom and wife...

They'll get a family group e-mail at 4am

And a notice of a great sale at a quarter to ten...

They'll see my messy house and my dirty floors

They'll  hear me tell of health news galore...

They are my friends whether seventeen or thirty

Whether they married-in or were born on my journey...

Now, self-banned to the walls of this empty space

I find my confidants; self-mercy and self-grace.

Here, no one need hear what I have to say

So to sum it up - now this is the safe place.

Worries, health news, ramblings on and on...

I will hear myself; the voice is gone.

Now I can speak to an empty wall

A wall is now the safe place I have found.

The reality is...  It doesn't end here.

The wall hits a corner and I shed some tears

Perhaps I was oblivious

thinking somehow they'd want to hear...

or need to hear...

But it must have been one sided, I had too much to tell.

Too much advice to offer on improving sense of smell

and let me tell you about my eyelids because I could be dying

I've got advice on love and family and what's that... Are you sighing?

Well I can't wait to see you - can't hug from six feet apart...

And well you know this mom won't stop talking, I've got a GREAT BIG HEART!

If there's one place where I can find a friend

One place where it's safe to be me

Where you can be you

Tears and all

Where you'll find a soft shoulder to fall

Tell me your worries

Your hurts

and more

Come over, eat spaghetti

Lay on my floor...

I will stroke your hair while I listen to you

I might have an answer...

Or a hug...

If there's a place in this life where it's safe to just be...

Or to dream...  Or sing...  

Or...  Just be...

It's in the presence of our precious family.